Random Notes About Me.

I won big on my 40th Birthday.

For my 40th birthday my really good friend surprised me by arranging an entire day of fun at an Indian Reservation Casino. Included was a two hour bus ride with some angry senior citizens, a special birthday sweater made entirely of ribbons, blinking kiss me I’m 40 button, black mullet hat, and a Hawaiian lei. It was completely whacky and my kind of fun. We arrived at the casino around 9:30 a.m. and were informed that the bus departs at 315pm sharp. That gave me approximately six hours of fun/damage in a self contained, no escape, semi-safe environment. I was instantly overwhelmed, as usual. There were so many options and decisions to make, plus it was hard to concentrate with Gloria Estevez blaring in the background. We decided to play it safe and start with Bloody Marys. Just one to loosen up or maybe it was two? Anyway, it worked. I hit the floor excited and ready to play the slots. It was a blast, and I was thoroughly enjoying myself. After a couple of hours I was up up a few dollars, but not really winning. I think that was when my friend gave me a really good tip, Always “MAX BET”. I took this to heart, and was feeling really confident so I went directly to the $1 slots. Within exactly, no minutes I was down to my last $10. Utterly defeated I decided to check in with my friend again, which turned out to be a mistake, because she was up a couple hundred. I acted happy for her, but really I wasn’t. Suddenly, I hated this tacky, windowless building, and every desperate person in it. Since I was now 40, I knew exactly how to handle the situation. I headed straight for the bar. A waitress intercepted me on the way and took my order. While I impatiently waited, I literally played my last bill. I fed it into the slot and pressed “MAX BET”. All of sudden the slot machine lights up, sirens are going off and the waitress is handing me a glass of chardonnay telling me “you just won!!!” Whoa? I had just won $638 dollars! Happy fucking Birthday! Really??? Yahoo!!!! I loaded the bus a penny-slot hero. I am pretty sure I inappropriately high fived and knuckle bumped a few angry seniors. It sucked for everyone on that bus except me. Two hours later I was delivered safely to my doorstep. My husband was busy cooking an elaborate dinner for my Birthday and two other friends of mine. I was handed a big glass of wine while I proceeded to fill them in on the day’s events. Sure, I was a little loopy, as you can imagine, but having the time of my life (in my mind). I think it was when one of my friends innocently asked to see my “winnings” when I suddenly took a turn for the worse. None the less, I was eager to show it off, so I immediately jump to my feet and grab my wallet. I open up the bill fold and to my horror it is empty. All the blood drained from my face. Wait. I was positive I put the money in my wallet for safe keeping? Panic sets in. Soon we are all up and going through my purse, pockets, dialing my friends, and combing the premises from top to bottom. Nothing. I can’t find the money, anywhere. My husband told me not to worry, but I was convinced. It was gone. Where did the money go? I start back tracking my steps. It gets worse and worse as I start to remember how negligent and stupid on the bus ride home I was. Crap, one of those damn seniors stole my money. It made perfect sense. They were haters from the start. Cloudy eyed bastards. I was venerable and they took advantage of my “youthful” stupidity. This hit me like a ton of bricks, literally. Now, I was not only devastated, but officially drunk and exhausted. My husband convinces me to go to bed (bless him). I stumble up the stairs, careen down the hallway, and narrowly miss my bed by about mmm two inches. It’s ok, we have decent carpet. My husband gets me up on the bed, pats me on the head, and turns the lights out. I sobbed underneath those covers. Not so much over the money I lost, more like the fact that I was now 40 and still a dip shit. As I laid there in full fetal, I kept scratching my chest. Shoot, what the heck? I need to take off my Damn bra (I was still fully clothed). Then in my post birthday bonanza stupor I reached into my shirt and felt something sort of paper like. Huh? I sat up, turned the light on and to my amazement was holding exactly six hundred and thirty eight dollars cash. It was there the entire time!!!!! Suddenly I remembered everything. Of course, I was trying to be funny on the bus and had stuffed the money in my bra on the way home. I was so elated I ran downstairs where my friends were and we all couldn’t believe it. We laughed at my absurdity, ridiculous behavior, and stupidity. I had a tall glass of milk and a big piece of homemade Birthday Cake. It was a Totally Tess Birthday.