This is Totally Tess. My friend called the other day and said I am re-thinking my Birth Control method and I am considering an IUD. Since you have one, I wanted to get your advice. She obviously thought I was an authority on the topic, silly really. However, I was in fact currently sporting that
little anchor inside my body, plus, I knew a handful(none) of others with one. I went straight into an IUD mini-terets syndrome episode. I love my IUD! It's the best. Crotch, Titty-ball, suck sack, shit.
Nipple. Done. Uh, Actually, here is what I told her. Picture the smallest Anchor ever, seriously like 5 cm; Its also been compared to the popular Alphabet Capital letter "T", pick whatever visual works for you. So , they insert this anchor into your vaginal walls, through the cervix, and bee line straight for Planet Uterus. Once implanted, this little Nautical accessory not only prevents little swimmers from entering the falopian tubes, it also, thins your mucus wall, bonus! Plus, they spray some sort of Sperm poison(RAID) is involved. Hey, Did you know an IUD can remain in your body for up to 5 years, mine has been in for 7, sshh! I immediately began to rattle off all the pros, and there were many, but here are just a few. Things
like, don't have to pop a pill everyday, no more "Monthlys", save money on prescriptions, oh, and most importantly, husband doesn't have to do that day "in-and-out" penis remodel, ouch! . The entire time I am rattling off Pro's I know I have to devulge the Cons. Only two Cons to be exact. But not yet. I needed to sell this IUD. I don't know exactly why I wanted to sell it so bad. It's kinda like when you join a club, and you automatically want your friends to join. Or better, when you take a bite of something disgusting, and you imediatly turn to the closest person and say this is awful, want a bite? Anyway, I could hear her head nodding up and down with approval as I spoke. Then, just when I had her sold on the whole IUD contraption, She said... and the Cons? The ugly truth about the IUD. Only two cons. Number one, Insertion. Number two Removal. Each procedure takes about 30 seconds, which sounds seemingly easy and fast, yet, alot can happen in 30 seconds. When was the last time you held your breath for 30 seconds? Try it now for fun, while I continue to discuss my Vagina. Insertion day. I showed up to my appointment ready. I am like that, I like to be on time. I felt good. Better yet, I felt Cocky(weird considering the circumstances). I had done my On-Line Research, discussed with husband, and had my Dr's approval, 30 seconds was nothing. Afterall, I already cut my teeth on two Caesarean Births, equipt with scars to bare my heroism. This was going to be easy.
Oh, lay down here on this tissue paper with my naked Vagimonster exposed to the entire Google Earth, sure, no problem. And I did, without hesitation. I am a good patient, I am kinda a rule
follower. Next, Dr slipped in the room with Anchor. We shared a giggle at how cute and tiny it was. I felt like I knew the little fella. What I didn't know was that teeny tiny anchor was going to sink my Battleship in T-Minus 30 sec. Countdown. The Dr. asked me to take a deep breath. This was when I knew I was in trouble. I suddenly realized there were two nurses plus a DR in the room, all for 30 seconds! What is up with the deep breath? My Dr is looking me dead in the eyes as I attempted to take this deep breath, and just as I exhale with lightning fast quickness she inserts the "Anchor" deep into a part of my body my own mother never knew existed. Instant Blackness! and then, a Whistle from a train pulling into a station, multiple bee stings, and oddly Harry Potter appear all at once. Crazy pain. I left the examination room holding my bruised Peach and weepy. When I got home, I sat on my couch cross-legged, watching The History Channel for twelve hours straight. My husband had No idea what to do with me. Ice pack? No. Food?? Nope. Cuddle? Absolutely not! He had know idea that I had drawn an invisible circle with a radius of 100 feet from anyone packing a penis. It took several weeks to recover. Fast forward 5 years. Removal day. So I came up on my 5 year IUD anniversary, and let's just say I wasn't playing the naive/obedient patient crap again, EVER! Putting that contraption in was fucking hell. Ripping that Anchor our of my Fallopian Tubes was something that was going to require drugs. Sorry, but yes. I needed hard drugs. Since I dont have a dealer, I did the next obvious thing. I started calling mommies. Luckily, one of my BFF mommies had recently had a baby. Turns out, She had a full bottle of Perkaset. I had those drugs once. It was in the hospital, under Medical supervision, after the Birth of my second child. I had a respectable wound across my lower abdomen, and I remember the Perkaset was on a drip, and it felt good. No Pain. Mostly, I remember the chocolate shake they served me, while I layed motionless in my mechanical bed that would lift me up or down with a flick of the finger. I instantly accepted her generousity. I told her my appointment is tomorrow at 2pm. I'll be at your house at 1:45. Next day I show up at her house, read the dosage info. It says take one to two every 4 hours for pain.
Easy, I'll take two. I gulped down both pills. I am an asshole like that. Anyway, She wished me good luck, and off I went in my Valva(my car, Volvo, kinda a pet name) I felt in control and so happy.I had not only duped my Dr, but the entire Medical Industry! Rip that Anchor out, I have drugs, suckers! I think it was the fifth stoplight, no it was the sixth, that I realized I was in trouble. I was driving with no sensation in my feet, hands, legs, and luckily my vagina. I couldn't feel anything. Nothing. I wasn't drunk, my mind was working, but I couldn't feel. I managed to get to my appointment safely, thank goodness, and walk into Dr's office, go through the traditional crap, sign here, medical card, update your phone number, which was all fine except, of coarse, I couldn't hear my own voice as I spoke. I was relying on animal instincts at this point, and basing all my behavior on the reaction of the 19 year old receptionist. If she gets squirrely, I run. Sitting in the Lobby was fucking hell. I was numb, blurry eyed, nautious, plus really really hot. I wanted to take my clothes off and jump in the stupid exotic fish tank and take a nap. Not in a weird way, more survival instinct. I was sick, and the sand looked comfy.I finally make it safely to the room they take you after they put you on the truth scale, pump your arm up with that fun little baloon, and then check your knees for life. I passed all three. Phew! At
this point I am in survival mode. I am pleasant, obedient, and unfortunately leaning on nurses and CIT's. Anyone who will prop me up. Mrs, strip down and put this robe on. Opens in the front. I say ah Dah, blah, blah blah blah blah blah, I realize too many blah blahs have come out of my mouth. Shoot! Don't panic. Just stay calm. Next mode. Shut down. Nothing is safer than me just keeping my mouth shut. Enter Dr. She starts with normal pleasantries. I am nodding. not speaking, just nodding. oh, and sweating profussly. My entire body was sweating, like my upper lip, arm pits, belly button, ass crack and yes, the guest of honor. All sweating in a very abnormal way. I am nodding and trying to act normal, but she see's that white tissue paper stuck to my ass cheeks. NURSE! While she proceeds to discuss the many many alternative Birth Control devices, I begin to get sicker and sicker. At one point I asked her if I could just lay down and close my eyes. Serioulsy, while she was speaking. I needed a nap. That's also when I noticed her writing in my file. She was on to me. Hey, even though I am in the fetal position, no need to be alarmed. I always nap this way. Everytime I spoke she would nod, look in chart and make notation. Patient very pale and sweating profussly. Patient disoriented and confussed. Patient incoherent during Q & A. I hate Q&A's anyway. The person with the clip board always wins. She and I decided together that since I had the "Flu", we would need to reschedule my IUD removal day. When I left the office I was still so loaded from the perkaset, I vomitted in parking lot 3 times, took a very uncomfortable nap during the hottest part of the day sandwiched between the steering wheel and passenger seat, got a ticket for illegal parking, and woke up with a giant purse strap inprint across my forehead. Hugs not drugs, I am all for it!Totally Tess.
little anchor inside my body, plus, I knew a handful(none) of others with one. I went straight into an IUD mini-terets syndrome episode. I love my IUD! It's the best. Crotch, Titty-ball, suck sack, shit.
Nipple. Done. Uh, Actually, here is what I told her. Picture the smallest Anchor ever, seriously like 5 cm; Its also been compared to the popular Alphabet Capital letter "T", pick whatever visual works for you. So , they insert this anchor into your vaginal walls, through the cervix, and bee line straight for Planet Uterus. Once implanted, this little Nautical accessory not only prevents little swimmers from entering the falopian tubes, it also, thins your mucus wall, bonus! Plus, they spray some sort of Sperm poison(RAID) is involved. Hey, Did you know an IUD can remain in your body for up to 5 years, mine has been in for 7, sshh! I immediately began to rattle off all the pros, and there were many, but here are just a few. Things
like, don't have to pop a pill everyday, no more "Monthlys", save money on prescriptions, oh, and most importantly, husband doesn't have to do that day "in-and-out" penis remodel, ouch! . The entire time I am rattling off Pro's I know I have to devulge the Cons. Only two Cons to be exact. But not yet. I needed to sell this IUD. I don't know exactly why I wanted to sell it so bad. It's kinda like when you join a club, and you automatically want your friends to join. Or better, when you take a bite of something disgusting, and you imediatly turn to the closest person and say this is awful, want a bite? Anyway, I could hear her head nodding up and down with approval as I spoke. Then, just when I had her sold on the whole IUD contraption, She said... and the Cons? The ugly truth about the IUD. Only two cons. Number one, Insertion. Number two Removal. Each procedure takes about 30 seconds, which sounds seemingly easy and fast, yet, alot can happen in 30 seconds. When was the last time you held your breath for 30 seconds? Try it now for fun, while I continue to discuss my Vagina. Insertion day. I showed up to my appointment ready. I am like that, I like to be on time. I felt good. Better yet, I felt Cocky(weird considering the circumstances). I had done my On-Line Research, discussed with husband, and had my Dr's approval, 30 seconds was nothing. Afterall, I already cut my teeth on two Caesarean Births, equipt with scars to bare my heroism. This was going to be easy.
Oh, lay down here on this tissue paper with my naked Vagimonster exposed to the entire Google Earth, sure, no problem. And I did, without hesitation. I am a good patient, I am kinda a rule
follower. Next, Dr slipped in the room with Anchor. We shared a giggle at how cute and tiny it was. I felt like I knew the little fella. What I didn't know was that teeny tiny anchor was going to sink my Battleship in T-Minus 30 sec. Countdown. The Dr. asked me to take a deep breath. This was when I knew I was in trouble. I suddenly realized there were two nurses plus a DR in the room, all for 30 seconds! What is up with the deep breath? My Dr is looking me dead in the eyes as I attempted to take this deep breath, and just as I exhale with lightning fast quickness she inserts the "Anchor" deep into a part of my body my own mother never knew existed. Instant Blackness! and then, a Whistle from a train pulling into a station, multiple bee stings, and oddly Harry Potter appear all at once. Crazy pain. I left the examination room holding my bruised Peach and weepy. When I got home, I sat on my couch cross-legged, watching The History Channel for twelve hours straight. My husband had No idea what to do with me. Ice pack? No. Food?? Nope. Cuddle? Absolutely not! He had know idea that I had drawn an invisible circle with a radius of 100 feet from anyone packing a penis. It took several weeks to recover. Fast forward 5 years. Removal day. So I came up on my 5 year IUD anniversary, and let's just say I wasn't playing the naive/obedient patient crap again, EVER! Putting that contraption in was fucking hell. Ripping that Anchor our of my Fallopian Tubes was something that was going to require drugs. Sorry, but yes. I needed hard drugs. Since I dont have a dealer, I did the next obvious thing. I started calling mommies. Luckily, one of my BFF mommies had recently had a baby. Turns out, She had a full bottle of Perkaset. I had those drugs once. It was in the hospital, under Medical supervision, after the Birth of my second child. I had a respectable wound across my lower abdomen, and I remember the Perkaset was on a drip, and it felt good. No Pain. Mostly, I remember the chocolate shake they served me, while I layed motionless in my mechanical bed that would lift me up or down with a flick of the finger. I instantly accepted her generousity. I told her my appointment is tomorrow at 2pm. I'll be at your house at 1:45. Next day I show up at her house, read the dosage info. It says take one to two every 4 hours for pain.
Easy, I'll take two. I gulped down both pills. I am an asshole like that. Anyway, She wished me good luck, and off I went in my Valva(my car, Volvo, kinda a pet name) I felt in control and so happy.I had not only duped my Dr, but the entire Medical Industry! Rip that Anchor out, I have drugs, suckers! I think it was the fifth stoplight, no it was the sixth, that I realized I was in trouble. I was driving with no sensation in my feet, hands, legs, and luckily my vagina. I couldn't feel anything. Nothing. I wasn't drunk, my mind was working, but I couldn't feel. I managed to get to my appointment safely, thank goodness, and walk into Dr's office, go through the traditional crap, sign here, medical card, update your phone number, which was all fine except, of coarse, I couldn't hear my own voice as I spoke. I was relying on animal instincts at this point, and basing all my behavior on the reaction of the 19 year old receptionist. If she gets squirrely, I run. Sitting in the Lobby was fucking hell. I was numb, blurry eyed, nautious, plus really really hot. I wanted to take my clothes off and jump in the stupid exotic fish tank and take a nap. Not in a weird way, more survival instinct. I was sick, and the sand looked comfy.I finally make it safely to the room they take you after they put you on the truth scale, pump your arm up with that fun little baloon, and then check your knees for life. I passed all three. Phew! At
this point I am in survival mode. I am pleasant, obedient, and unfortunately leaning on nurses and CIT's. Anyone who will prop me up. Mrs, strip down and put this robe on. Opens in the front. I say ah Dah, blah, blah blah blah blah blah, I realize too many blah blahs have come out of my mouth. Shoot! Don't panic. Just stay calm. Next mode. Shut down. Nothing is safer than me just keeping my mouth shut. Enter Dr. She starts with normal pleasantries. I am nodding. not speaking, just nodding. oh, and sweating profussly. My entire body was sweating, like my upper lip, arm pits, belly button, ass crack and yes, the guest of honor. All sweating in a very abnormal way. I am nodding and trying to act normal, but she see's that white tissue paper stuck to my ass cheeks. NURSE! While she proceeds to discuss the many many alternative Birth Control devices, I begin to get sicker and sicker. At one point I asked her if I could just lay down and close my eyes. Serioulsy, while she was speaking. I needed a nap. That's also when I noticed her writing in my file. She was on to me. Hey, even though I am in the fetal position, no need to be alarmed. I always nap this way. Everytime I spoke she would nod, look in chart and make notation. Patient very pale and sweating profussly. Patient disoriented and confussed. Patient incoherent during Q & A. I hate Q&A's anyway. The person with the clip board always wins. She and I decided together that since I had the "Flu", we would need to reschedule my IUD removal day. When I left the office I was still so loaded from the perkaset, I vomitted in parking lot 3 times, took a very uncomfortable nap during the hottest part of the day sandwiched between the steering wheel and passenger seat, got a ticket for illegal parking, and woke up with a giant purse strap inprint across my forehead. Hugs not drugs, I am all for it!Totally Tess.
OMG, this is why you don't drink at the keyboard. Holy crap, that is the funniest thing I've read in a long while. Thanks for sharing and making me even more glad to be gay. :)
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