Life with Senior Beasts
Whose dumb ass idea was it to domesticate beasts? Sure they are often referred to as pets, furry friends, or even better, "man's best friend", but I call them beasts simply because that is what they are, wild flea bags Oh sure, they can be sorta fun at times, I mean, you do get to think up clever & cutesy names, like Mr. Wiggles, or Peepers. Oh, and dressing them is pretty fun too, especially if you bring them out in public wearing anything remotely human. People eat that shit up. You also get to teach them tricks, which is clearly not for their benefit, let's just call it like it is, unpaid entertainment. Why do we make them perform ridiculous tricks on demand for a measly scrap of food? When was the last time you had to "roll over" for a Cheez-it? Or "speak" for an ABC piece of steak fat? Uh, how about never. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not looking down my nose at pet owners. I am one. My stupid ass got suckered into thinking a kitten and a pup were just what we needed to round out the family. Big, BIG! mistake. That fluffy little kitty is now 17 years old, which makes her like 1009(in cat years), and that fun little pup is now 11, which makes her 77 (in dog years). I am going to be honest here, living with these geriatric mammals is downright disgusting. Look, I love my senior pets, but seriously, I would rather trade these two creatures in for one dementia crazed elderly patient from a local nursing home. At least they are equipped with giant diapers. If you think I am being cruel or insensitive, you are wrong. It will be painfully obvious that I am the one who is being taken advantage of in this situation. These are Totally Tess pets!
Tootsie, my cat. First of all she is a flat out Bitch! Oh she was cute & cuddly once, for like 4 hours, and ever since that fleeting moment of adorable frisky kitty she has been a mini-lioness diva with a shitty attitude. Did I mention she is a self-mutilator? Yeah, check this out, she will be sitting there, contributing diddly squat, as usual, and then out of the clear blue sky start tearing into her fur and ripping out hair. I know what you are thinking, oh poor thing has fleas. Nope. Don't feel sorry for her, there is absolutely nothing wrong, other than she is completely out of her freakin mind. These episodes last only about 15 seconds, and then it's right back to being the Prima Donna partially bald chum lick-er that she is. You need to know that Tootsie is also bulimic. She tries to hide the vomit from us by throwing up in highly unusual places, like window sills, behind our couch, or, my pillowcase for instance. Lastly, Tootsie is a lesbian. This doesn't really bother me, I am just saying she a flaming lesbo!
Star, my dog. Smells like ass. No, really, she has those anus glands that fill up with shit oil. We have to take her to the groomer so she can have her ass "expressed". Thank goodness I don't have that job. Can you imagine?? So, what do you do for a living? I am a groomer... oh and did I mention I also squeeze butt juice out of the asses of dogs. Seriously, I am so appreciative of animal lovers. Star is deaf now. She can't hear a thing. She doesn't seem to care at all. Except when we screw with her by standing over her head while she is sleeping and getting as close to her face as possible without waking her up. It scares the wholly living shit out of her, but she tries to act like it doesn't. So funny. Keep in mind that this is the same dog, that when she could hear, would try to viciously attack the vacuum, lawn mower, microwave, doorbell, and a few pale low-percentile chart kids. She had this coming. Lastly, Star is a full blown stalker. In the worst way. Her number one victim unfortunately is....yep poor senior Tootsie. If Toots so much as lifts a paw Star is all up in her face. It's really kinda disturbing to watch. Star looking so intense, breathing her ass breath all over Tootie's little whiskers. Tootsie hissing her 1000 year old breath back at Star's deaf ears. Me cursing & scolding them as if they spoke my native tongue. What can I say, I love those beasts.
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