Random Notes About Me.

November is nearly over, Thanksgiving is next week, my kids report cards are out, and where the hell is my period? It dawned on me while I was brushing my teeth and I started drooling, more than usual, and gagging, that I was late. I instantly felt myself up. Wait, why are my boobs so sore? Shit, they look bigger too. Then, a wave of nausea. All of a sudden I could smell the urine on the back of the toilet seat. I haven't felt this kind of barfy since my pregnancy with my youngest....7 years ago. Panic. I can't be preggers that's ridiculous. I paid good money to have a highly scientific contraption tucked deep in my darkest dungeon. No baby batter was going to reach my oven. So what if it was supposed to come out a year and a half ago, it's still working, my nurse practitioner told me so. After convincing myself I was not pregnant, I went about my day confident that my nipples will never have to suffer the wrath of a teeny-tiny, seemingly innocent suckling baby ever again. You do not understand what a third baby would do to my boobs. Let's just say Victoria's secret would be out. Come on, even a Wonder Bra has its limits. Anyway, I can never keep my mouth shut so I told a friend, and she reassured me that the chances of me being pregnant were like the chances of Paula Abdul not abusing prescription drugs. This made me feel tons better. However, it was possible, I mean, weird stuff happens all the time right?? I don't think Octomom was thinking she was going to give birth to a human litter? What I needed was a home pregnancy test, but by the time I picked up kids, homework, laundry and dinner prep, a trip to the drugstore was out of the question. It would have to wait until the morning. I told my husband during happy hour. Poor guy. I didn't mean to scare the living shit out of him. Hey, let's not forget that he is the one housing snake lake, with all those little swimmers, you know swimming and stuff. His response was classic. What*#$!? No way,there is no way you're pregnant, is there? And then the inevitable question...what are you going to do about it? Me, laughing, uh, I would have the baby. Doy. The other option was way out of the question. I've been married too long for that. I would never screw with destiny and ruin my chances of coming back as Heidi Klum. As my happy hour buzz set in, I started to get comfortable with the idea of having a baby. We've always fantasized about a third child. A boy, and his name would be Henry James. Of course we would call him Hank. Lil, Hank. Who knows, maybe my boobs would cooperate and stay above my belly button. There's always plastic surgery too, um yeah, I'll take two of those perky C's please. It all started to make sense, I'd have my oldest the "rebel", my middle "delicate flower", and Lil' Hank would be "the golden child". I Woke up the next day eager to resolve this maternal mystery. I finally got a break in my schedule, and darted off to the grocery store. I needed to get a few things for dinner, like Chardonnay. I like to be prepared. When I got to the checker, he made a funny comment. He looked me dead in the eyes and asked "are you old enough to buy alcohol? Okay, first of all I will be 40 in April, I look nothing remotely close to Juno, and second what under 21er would have a Rachel Ray 30Minute Meals Magazine in their cart? I responded by asking him if he would like me to kiss him on the lips now, or should I come back on his shift break? At home I immediately chugged three glasses of water, tore open EPT box, pulled out the instructions and read them very carefully. 1. Remove wrapper. 2. Pee on stick. 3. Wait two minutes for results. Oh, and then the precautionary warning DO NOT INSERT INTO VAGINA!. Really? because that's exactly what I wanted to do right now. That's what got me into this situation! I had to literally use "the force" while directing my urine stream to the small blue tip of the stick, and not piss on my hand. Yoda would be proud. Next, I placed the blue-tip stick on the sink, and set the timer for two minutes, which is a really long time to wait when you are holding your uterus. Timer went off and up the stairs I went, a little nervous and a little excited. Was it going to be a + or a -? I looked down and there it was clear as day.....MINUS. To be honest my first feeling was utter relief. Hallelujah I can drink!! Oh, and other things like travel, dates with my husband, earn money, exercise, read, join a club, start a club, sleep, etc. All the things that I love to do for ME. And then, I felt something else. What about Lil' Hank? I am sure he would have been a cute son-of-a-gun!