Totally Tess Spray Tan

Ok, so I am going on my first "tropical" vacation in 6 days, without my kids, and I can't flippin believe it. My on-line purchased bikini just arrived in the mail, and it fits, sorta. I've also picked up a few silly island essentials at Forever 41 *cough* I mean 21, and I am currently on a hunger strike until said bikini starts cooperating with my chardonnay-hot-pocket belly. Basically, my bags are packed and I've got one flip flop already out the door. There is just one thing I need to do before I leave. Spray Tan. I know, it's a little superficial, but during the winter my skin morphs into the color of our pet albino gerbil. Seriously, I am the whitest Cracker I know. Besides, everyone knows, tan fat is way better than white fat. One spray tan transforms my looks from a C- to a solid B+ in less than 3 minutes. Sure, I feel like a dip shit while I am doing it, however, the $20 bucks and few minutes of shame are worth it. Totally Tess.

#1 Stay the course no matter how fuggly and shallow you feel.
Salons only employ gorgy 20-somethings. They are intentionally hired to remind you that you are old. You will immediately begin to question what possessed you to drive to a strip mall, plunk down some cash, get naked, and have a sunless solution forced into your pigment. Don't panic. No one is judging you. Remember, this is a business. Their only hope is that you will eagerly invest in the buy 10 get 1 free package. Hey,your milky white skin is just as good as their utterly flawless bronzed supple flesh.

Tip # 2 Ask Questions.
You only get a 30 second tutorial on how not to end up looking like a complete Oompa Loompa freak-tard. Trust me, It's hard to remember steps when you are naked and sporting a shower cap. You need to have the instructions repeated no less than, hmmm.... maybe 5 times. As annoying and stupid you feel taking direction from a tweenager, you need to do it. They are your only hope of preventing OPS (orange palm syndrome).

Tip #3 Focus. Things move very quickly. When you are ready, you step into a time machine box that has blinking lights, a very loud and distracting vacuum noise and two nozzles pointing directly at your face. Four poses involving the once popular Robot dance are involved. When you feel the all over body hot air dry blower come on you can exhale. You are tan. This is when you will want to step out of the booth, because it self destructs. You will notice a small odor, not bad just a bit chemical, and your skin feels sticky. Resist the urge to shower for up to 24 hours. This will insure maximum longevity of tan. Lastly, don't forget to eat the special treat. This is your reward for being a self-absorbed Vanity Smurf!