I (almost) Lost Her.

I dropped her off at school that morning and gave her a kiss and hug as usual. I also reminded her, being that she is barely 7 years old, that I wouldn't be picking her up in our usual spot because she had a cast party after school, and she was to go straight to the cafeteria. I told her I would be there after the party to pick her up. O.K. she says, and off she skips to her class with floral pink backpack in tow, and pigtails flopping like bunny ears. I watch her the entire way to her class until the moment she rounds the corridor and for 20 feet she is out of my sight. I always worry when I can't see Lolly.
Later that day, while I was at work and fully utilizing the extra hour I had before I had to pick up Lolly from the cast party, I was thinking, what a treat. I don't have to cut my day short and rush off to mommy-hood. Today I felt a piece of my old self, me. Me Me Me. Then I got the call. It was the school. "Hi, Mrs Leonard. Yeah, we have Laurel here in the office, you forgot to pick her up". No, there has been a mistake, uh she is supposed to be at a cast party in the cafeteria. Excuse me Mrs Leonard, that is scheduled for next Mondaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, (and btw you are the worst parent ever). Holly frickin crickets!!!!!! I ask to speak to Lolly. I could tell she had been crying and was scared. I told her to wait in the office and that I would be there in 5 minutes to pick her up. I race out of my office, run about 5 lights, almost kill an elderly pedestrian, while I Mario andretti the streets of Eugene quietly cursing myself. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
I peel into the parking lot of the school and somewhat pull myself together. I am smiling as though nothing was wrong, but inside I was just elected to Mayor of crazy-mom-town. I desperatley wanted(needed) to get her back in my clutches. I calmly walk into the school office. It was empty, seriously, the lights were off. I start searching the halls. I finally find the school nurse who informs me that they are having a staff meeting in the school library, and maybe Lolly is there. We go there. No Lolly. We pull the school administrater who was the one who kindly called me after school, and she says we told her she could wait for you in her class or at the upper playground. Huh????? I go to the upper playground. No Lolly. I go to her class. No Lolly. I am running now. I go back to the school office. I say, she is not at the upper playground, or in her class. I am going to check the lower playground, please, can you call her on the school loud speaker!!!!!! Yes, Mrs Leonard. I run out of the office and as I am almost to the lower playground I hear "Lolly Leonard, please report to the office". My heart sinks. This is not happening, please god, let her be here. I reach the lower playground and see a girl that is Lolly size, oh god, what was she wearing today? Did she wear a skirt? or did I get her in those cute jeans with the butterfly's on them? My mind was going a hundred miles an hour, and then suddenly the earth stopped on its axis. I was moving in bionic motion, not hearing the teachers or now enlisted parents searching for my baby. Instinctually I thought maybe she is waiting for me in the upper parking lot, behind the playground. I am in full sprint, and another "all call" for Lolly Leonard goes over the loud speaker. My heart is beating outside my body. As I am running I am thinking one thing. Amber Alert. I am thinking how each minute is crucial in finding abducted children. I am thinking, how did she leave the safety of an administrated office? I am thinking I need Jim. I am thinking of mothers who have missing children. I am thinking I have never felt so terrified in my entire 41 years of life. I reach the upper playground again, no Lolly, and then run towards the parking lot. I see her. There she was with her back to me. Sitting on a big rock. She is small. Lolly, I yell, Lolly! She turns, and looks at me. I run up and embrace her. We were both equally scared. Now, the other searchers were coming our way. I grab her hand and we walk back through the school towards our car. I overly thank everyone because I was still in a state of manic. I realize I hadn't taken one breath since she was gone. I got to my car, buckled her in and started breathing, heavily, and shaking, so bad that I could not get the keys in the ignition. We sat there silent in the car except for my breathing, until Lolly finally asked, "what's wrong Mommy?" And then I just sobbed, uncontrollable emotion. Like the day I did when I first saw her, born.