Totally Tess

Throw down in Crayola Town There are times in a marriage where words are not enough. When the only thing that will break the ugly silence is a real honest to goodness, roll up your sleeves, throw-down. Actually, it’s more like cage fighting without the cage. Regardless, this is a story about taking off the gloves, brutal honesty, commitment and most importantly, love. This is Totally Tess It all started with my “feelings” getting hurt. Yes, I am difficult. However, just because I need to be handled delicately at ALL times, does not give my husband the right to be a knuckle head. To be honest I am not really sure what set me off? I think It was something stupid, like his un-enthusiastic response to one of my SIMPLE requests(nags). Anyway, so It’s Day 4 of the quiet-storm-full-metal-jacket fight and my husband says in a very serious, yet sweet voice. If you could just LEARN to know when I want you to speak, and THEN know exactly when I want you to Shut your pie hole, all of this cou...

I won big on my 40th Birthday. For my 40th birthday my really good friend surprised me by arranging an entire day of fun at an Indian Reservation Casino. Included was a two hour bus ride with some angry senior citizens, a special birthday sweater made entirely of ribbons, blinking kiss me I’m 40 button, black mullet hat, and a Hawaiian lei. It was completely whacky and my kind of fun. We arrived at the casino around 9:30 a.m. and were informed that the bus departs at 315pm sharp. That gave me approximately six hours of fun/damage in a self contained, no escape, semi-safe environment. I was instantly overwhelmed, as usual. There were so many options and decisions to make, plus it was hard to concentrate with Gloria Estevez blaring in the background. We decided to play it safe and start with Bloody Marys. Just one to loosen up or maybe it was two? Anyway, it worked. I hit the floor excited and ready to play the slots. It was a blast, and I was thoroughly enjoying myself. Aft...

Totally Tess Vacation There was a drawing for a free stay in Cabo San Lucas and our company card was pulled from the hat. We won! We left the week before Christmas. It was crazy, spontaneous, and a little out of the box for all four of us. My husband,our friends/business partners, and I were going to Mexico. Day 1 I had never been on a "tropical" vacation before. So EVERYTHING was new. I tried to act cool going through customs, but it was painfully obvious I was white. Plus, I kept nervously clutching my purse, not sure why? Oh, and to make matters worse, my husband and I were a little out of sync. We kept bumping into each other. I swear he elbowed me while boarding the hotel shuttle bus. What the eff? Anyway, by the time we got to the resort I had already tipped the scales of sensory overload and was now in full blown mania. Worst part is that I didn't even know it. It took me a good 3 days to calm the fuck down. Day 2 I have to admit waking up that first morning in Cab...

Ok, so I am going on my first "tropical" vacation in 6 days, without my kids, and I can't flippin believe it. My on-line purchased bikini just arrived in the mail, and it fits, sorta. I've also picked up a few silly island essentials at Forever 41 *cough* I mean 21, and I am currently on a hunger strike until said bikini starts cooperating with my chardonnay-hot-pocket belly. Basically, my bags are packed and I've got one flip flop already out the door. There is just one thing I need to do before I leave. Spray Tan. I know, it's a little superficial, but during the winter my skin morphs into the color of our pet albino gerbil. Seriously, I am the whitest Cracker I know. Besides, everyone knows, tan fat is way better than white fat. One spray tan transforms my looks from a C- to a solid B+ in less than 3 minutes. Sure, I feel like a dip shit while I am doing it, however, the $20 bucks and few minutes of shame are worth it. Totally Tess. #1 Stay the course no ma...

Getting into the holiday spirit. Keep your eye on the dog. Very Funny.">

November is nearly over, Thanksgiving is next week, my kids report cards are out, and where the hell is my period? It dawned on me while I was brushing my teeth and I started drooling, more than usual, and gagging, that I was late. I instantly felt myself up. Wait, why are my boobs so sore? Shit, they look bigger too. Then, a wave of nausea. All of a sudden I could smell the urine on the back of the toilet seat. I haven't felt this kind of barfy since my pregnancy with my youngest....7 years ago. Panic. I can't be preggers that's ridiculous. I paid good money to have a highly scientific contraption tucked deep in my darkest dungeon. No baby batter was going to reach my oven. So what if it was supposed to come out a year and a half ago, it's still working, my nurse practitioner told me so. After convincing myself I was not pregnant, I went about my day confident that my nipples will never have to suffer the wrath of a teeny-tiny, seemingly innocent suckling baby ...